14 Zombies Apprehended in Florida, Cannibal Corpse Fan Demands Release

G.d'Annunzio •

14 Zombies Apprehended in Florida, Cannibal Corpse Fan Demands Release

Department of Histrionics, 11/9/14

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Zombies Roam Streets of Florida, Possibly Infected with White Supremacism

Fourteen zombies were found roaming the streets of Florida in 2012. Police were for a while unsure if they were real zombies or just high on bath salts. After a shooting one of them in the head six times, police concluded that the fourteen suspects were indeed zombies and probably not just brain dead.

One innocent bystander relates the terrifying incident:

“At first I thought, cool – the zombie apocalypse is here. Hollywood has been promising a zombie uprising would take place for years. Most of Disneyland is looking forward to ravenous zombie hordes decimating the population. Then I thought,  s**t what  if one of them bites me? I might turn into a white supremacist. Being  a zombie doesn’t worry me, but hell, I don’t want to become a white supremacist.”

Since the zombies were apprehended, tons of spam has allegedly been reported by legal officials who claim it comes from a well-known Zombie Rights Activist, Robin Graves.

Robin Graves, a long time Cannibal Corpse fan is alleged to have spammed people all over the world with Cannibal Corpse lyrics in an effort to draw people’s attention to the inhuman and cruel treatment of the undead.

Robin Graves was unavailable for comment whilst the prison beat the s**t out of him, but one anonymous hipster rushed forward to comment on his taste in music.

“You just can’t spam people with Cannibal Corpse lyrics anymore. Death metal is just so last year. Everyone’s moved on from the metal of the 1990s. These days real activists are into music than no one has ever heard of.  I was into funeral doom before it was cool.” He said whilst sipping his vegan latte.

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Anonymous Hipster and Suspected White Supremacist

The Department of Histrionics is still trying to ascertain if zombies do have any rights, or if they can continue to torture Robin Graves. One prison employee says:

“Zombies are no fun to torture. They are largely insensitive, but beating the s**t out of Robin Graves turns me on.” He said whilst winding the rack in preparation.

Bill White trial, florida, jail, torture

Florida Prison Staff Member

The anonymous hipster is suspected of being a white supremacist. His trial is set to proceed in Germany 2015. No one has started beating the s**t out of him yet. Beatings are scheduled to commence eight weeks before trial. Torture is expected to run on time.

Gate to Hell Opens, Rains Spam on Orlando Florida

G.d'Annunzio •

Gate to Hell Opens, Rains Spam on Orlando Florida

Department of Histrionics, 10/9/14 Bill White Trial, Florida Shoppers at a local mall were horrified today as a dark rift opened in the sky, opening the Gates to Hell and spewing forth spam all over Orlando Florida. Hundreds of people were forced to run for cover as a large amount of emails rained down upon from the sky. One terrified shopper said:

“I’ve never been so s**t scared in my whole life, there were emails everywhere. It was worse than dating spam. I had to run for cover but six of them chased me down the street. They were unstoppable.”

Another man reports that he read some of these emails, saying;

“It was horrifying, they were full of ancient history. They followed me 10 km up the road, I thought I’d never escape.”

After careful examination of Facebook, the Department of Histrionics has alleged that the spam was conjured by white supremacists using the unholy power of  the Necronomicon.

Reports of people being traumatised by email falling from the sky have been pouring in from all over the country. Citizens of Roanoke have also claimed that unholy forces conjured a tornado containing spam which disrupted traffic and  ripped their houses apart like matchsticks. Cthulhu has been sited off the coast of Hawaii and is alleged to be bringing further email.

“It’s the end of the world, we are going to drown in spam!” one surfer cried as he saw Cthulhu rise from depths clutching a seething mass of vitriolic emails.

The Department of Histrionics advises people to turn off the internet, mobile phones and all devices in case of receiving emails. Scientists are still studying the unholy power of the emails to understand exactly how and where they came from.

H.P. Lovecraft is believed to implicated.