14 Zombies Apprehended in Florida, Cannibal Corpse Fan Demands Release
Department of Histrionics, 11/9/14
Fourteen zombies were found roaming the streets of Florida in 2012. Police were for a while unsure if they were real zombies or just high on bath salts. After a shooting one of them in the head six times, police concluded that the fourteen suspects were indeed zombies and probably not just brain dead.
One innocent bystander relates the terrifying incident:
“At first I thought, cool – the zombie apocalypse is here. Hollywood has been promising a zombie uprising would take place for years. Most of Disneyland is looking forward to ravenous zombie hordes decimating the population. Then I thought, s**t what if one of them bites me? I might turn into a white supremacist. Being a zombie doesn’t worry me, but hell, I don’t want to become a white supremacist.”
Since the zombies were apprehended, tons of spam has allegedly been reported by legal officials who claim it comes from a well-known Zombie Rights Activist, Robin Graves.
Robin Graves, a long time Cannibal Corpse fan is alleged to have spammed people all over the world with Cannibal Corpse lyrics in an effort to draw people’s attention to the inhuman and cruel treatment of the undead.
Robin Graves was unavailable for comment whilst the prison beat the s**t out of him, but one anonymous hipster rushed forward to comment on his taste in music.
“You just can’t spam people with Cannibal Corpse lyrics anymore. Death metal is just so last year. Everyone’s moved on from the metal of the 1990s. These days real activists are into music than no one has ever heard of. I was into funeral doom before it was cool.” He said whilst sipping his vegan latte.
The Department of Histrionics is still trying to ascertain if zombies do have any rights, or if they can continue to torture Robin Graves. One prison employee says:
“Zombies are no fun to torture. They are largely insensitive, but beating the s**t out of Robin Graves turns me on.” He said whilst winding the rack in preparation.
The anonymous hipster is suspected of being a white supremacist. His trial is set to proceed in Germany 2015. No one has started beating the s**t out of him yet. Beatings are scheduled to commence eight weeks before trial. Torture is expected to run on time.