14 Zombies Apprehended in Florida, Cannibal Corpse Fan Demands Release

14 Zombies Apprehended in Florida, Cannibal Corpse Fan Demands Release

Department of Histrionics, 11/9/14

american front, bill white, florida

Zombies Roam Streets of Florida, Possibly Infected with White Supremacism

Fourteen zombies were found roaming the streets of Florida in 2012. Police were for a while unsure if they were real zombies or just high on bath salts. After a shooting one of them in the head six times, police concluded that the fourteen suspects were indeed zombies and probably not just brain dead.

One innocent bystander relates the terrifying incident:

“At first I thought, cool – the zombie apocalypse is here. Hollywood has been promising a zombie uprising would take place for years. Most of Disneyland is looking forward to ravenous zombie hordes decimating the population. Then I thought,  s**t what  if one of them bites me? I might turn into a white supremacist. Being  a zombie doesn’t worry me, but hell, I don’t want to become a white supremacist.”

Since the zombies were apprehended, tons of spam has allegedly been reported by legal officials who claim it comes from a well-known Zombie Rights Activist, Robin Graves.

Robin Graves, a long time Cannibal Corpse fan is alleged to have spammed people all over the world with Cannibal Corpse lyrics in an effort to draw people’s attention to the inhuman and cruel treatment of the undead.

Robin Graves was unavailable for comment whilst the prison beat the s**t out of him, but one anonymous hipster rushed forward to comment on his taste in music.

“You just can’t spam people with Cannibal Corpse lyrics anymore. Death metal is just so last year. Everyone’s moved on from the metal of the 1990s. These days real activists are into music than no one has ever heard of.  I was into funeral doom before it was cool.” He said whilst sipping his vegan latte.

Bill White Trial, Florida, American Front

Anonymous Hipster and Suspected White Supremacist

The Department of Histrionics is still trying to ascertain if zombies do have any rights, or if they can continue to torture Robin Graves. One prison employee says:

“Zombies are no fun to torture. They are largely insensitive, but beating the s**t out of Robin Graves turns me on.” He said whilst winding the rack in preparation.

Bill White trial, florida, jail, torture

Florida Prison Staff Member

The anonymous hipster is suspected of being a white supremacist. His trial is set to proceed in Germany 2015. No one has started beating the s**t out of him yet. Beatings are scheduled to commence eight weeks before trial. Torture is expected to run on time.

Gate to Hell Opens, Rains Spam on Orlando Florida

Gate to Hell Opens, Rains Spam on Orlando Florida

Department of Histrionics, 10/9/14 Bill White Trial, Florida Shoppers at a local mall were horrified today as a dark rift opened in the sky, opening the Gates to Hell and spewing forth spam all over Orlando Florida. Hundreds of people were forced to run for cover as a large amount of emails rained down upon from the sky. One terrified shopper said:

“I’ve never been so s**t scared in my whole life, there were emails everywhere. It was worse than dating spam. I had to run for cover but six of them chased me down the street. They were unstoppable.”

Another man reports that he read some of these emails, saying;

“It was horrifying, they were full of ancient history. They followed me 10 km up the road, I thought I’d never escape.”

After careful examination of Facebook, the Department of Histrionics has alleged that the spam was conjured by white supremacists using the unholy power of  the Necronomicon.

Reports of people being traumatised by email falling from the sky have been pouring in from all over the country. Citizens of Roanoke have also claimed that unholy forces conjured a tornado containing spam which disrupted traffic and  ripped their houses apart like matchsticks. Cthulhu has been sited off the coast of Hawaii and is alleged to be bringing further email.

“It’s the end of the world, we are going to drown in spam!” one surfer cried as he saw Cthulhu rise from depths clutching a seething mass of vitriolic emails.

The Department of Histrionics advises people to turn off the internet, mobile phones and all devices in case of receiving emails. Scientists are still studying the unholy power of the emails to understand exactly how and where they came from.

H.P. Lovecraft is believed to implicated.

White Supremacists May be Nerds Claims Researcher

White Supremacists May Just be Nerds Claims Researcher

Department of Histrionics 10/9/14

The Department of Histrionics has  just released a study of Facebook posts which suggests that a large proportion of white supremacists may just be nerds. Statistics shows that a large number of white supremacist organisations do not apparently exist and have in fact been nothing but blogs and websites since 1994. One anonymous informant said:

I was paid to study (name removed) but it was so dull. He never did anything but use the internet. I had to make up crazy stories just to earn my pay check. Otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to pay for the three gallons of alcohol I drink every day. Things were getting tight – I almost had to get a job. All he did was sit their posing cat pictures on Facebook for months. Fortunately I managed to trick him into liking some skinhead pages by sending him invites deliberately. It’s getting hard to find non-nerds to inform on. Sometimes we have to lie.

Informants have been struggling to make ends meet because of white supremacists turning out to be just internet nerds.

Researchers have revealed that this is the popular song liked by white supremacists on Facebook. We have added it to our database of dangerous white supremacist music:

Violent Literary Incursion, Novorossiya Responsible

Violent Literary Incursion in Disneyland,  Novorossiya Responsible

Department of Histrionics, 9/9/14

Leading members of the Department of Histrionics were shocked to discover that they had been the victims of a violent literary incursion today.

Five prominent members were horrified to discover that they had received copies of Alexander Dugin’s ‘Fourth Political Theory’ in the mail.

“I can’t understand it,” one shocked member said, “it’s full of philosophy and talks about ontological states of being…I find his writing disturbing and confusing.”

The man also received a serious paper cut from opening it due to the cheap wrapping paper, requiring a band aid be used.

The package also contained the chilling message “Read it PIG. Love, Novorossiya .”

The author of the message claims to be Rasputin,  threatens to annexe the Ukraine and found the Hungarian Empire.

bill white trial,florida Forensic experts have determined from Facebook posts that the author was Vladmir Putin, in retaliation for sanctions against Russia.

The Department of Histrionics believes Novorossiya to be one big, nasty ‘hate group’ full of ‘white supremacists’.

An estimated two billion internet users within Disneyland are believed to part of Novorossiya.

The Department of Histrionics has taken serious action and banned all sales of Lady Gaga’s music to Russia.

All books mentioning ontology are also to be banned  because Alexander Dugin is a Grammar Nazi.